It takes an insane amount of boredom to justify watching award shows these days.
We turned on the television last night just as the red carpet was ending.
Skeletor and Dad’s New Girlfriend awkwardly jittering around celebrities, shrieking and cackling at whatever stupid crap is flapping out of their own terrifying faces.
One of their noses falls off. Switch to commercial.
Indie song with deep voiceover. Buy this insurance.
The show starts. Mr. Host tells jokes that make everyone mad. Oh no he didn’t say that about Keanu Reeves.
It is revealed that the orchestra is playing live, just from another building. Likely the result of ongoing measures taken against Gary the Creepy Trombonist.
Everyone jazzed up for hologram of Whitney Houston. They get actual Jennifer Hudson instead. Thanks, Obama.
Overly long speeches met with foreshadowing. Shark feed drops to $15 a barrel.
John Travolta announces that 2014 Oscars will honor 20 year anniversary of Pulp Fiction. “Ball gags mandatory”. Escorted out of building.
All Best Picture nominees somehow involve America being awesome.
Trombone Gary proposes to Jennifer Aniston through orchestra microphone. Shots fired.
Jurassic park music plays as Beardy White Dinosaur wins every category that doesn’t involve acting.
Despite Old Man Hathaway’s warning, her face did indeed get stuck like that. #Catwomanipples begins trending on Twitter.
Some British lady bawls into the microphone, blows nose with own hair.
FLOTUS appearance just to watch the cast and crew of Zero Dark Thirty squirm in their seats.
Homeless man accepts Best Picture award on behalf of Ben Affleck.